Growing Pains

     Change is inevitable. I myself am a creature of habit. I like to be scheduled and absolutely know what is happening moment to moment. Being off schedule bothers me. I know if you looked in my classroom or inside my brain you wouldn't see any way for that to be the case... Her? Scheduled?!? Yeah Right!!! Scattered, disorganized ... A mess would be more like it. I like to know what I'm doing and thrive on that knowledge. Blindly following a path isn't my typical go to plan. When someone steps in and tries to change even the most minute of aspects, my first instinct is to dig I'm my heels and hold on with all my strength.

     I honestly believed that I had my role in this body of believers figured out. I'm a teacher by nature. It seems to come from my very core. I don't plan it. It just happens. My thoughts turn to a project to highlight a concept or a story. My mind often wanders coming up with a different way to instruct or teach... It's my second nature. I'd committed to teaching another year of Sunday school without reservation. Again, it's second nature. My world rocked slightly as I found out that it wasn't to be that way. Being a Sunday school member isn't new... It's going to be a change because that certainly isn't an environment that I flourish in. I tend to sit back quietly and take in the conversation of the room rather than offering my opinion or insight for fear of being ridiculed or said to be wrong... either to my face or behind my back. Probably irrational but real to me nonetheless. I'm okay with sitting back and listening. It takes a while for my mind to process things sometimes especially when I decide to go chasing rabbits with a random thought... I have a feeling that whichever class I end up attending this won't necessarily be the case. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose behind this change is... teaching is one of those things that causes joy to emanate from my soul. I'm not entirely sure why even though I love it, it feels as though an entirely too heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders and transferred to someone's who are much more broad and capable. I LOVE to teach... what about that became a burden? What causes the switch from emanating joy to burdensome task? Was it my heart motive? Was it my time to move on? I don't have all of the answers to these questions. All I want is to understand this change and what the end result is going to be... I get that I'm not ready to handle all of that information just yet. I still have the desire to know what is going on. I guess that just goes back to the original part of my nature that I talked about earlier.

     Just when I thought my boat was steadying from the waves another surge appeared on the horizon. Was I prepared? Absolutely NOT!!!! In fact at this time I can honestly say that I was completely blind sided... I suppose this part needs a bit of background information. My name is Melody Ann. It means "Song" "Grace-Favor". It seems like from birth I've had a definite course to be a musician of some sort. In school, I was an average musician. I sat in the middle of the section and always strived to be better. I didn't exactly know what I wanted to be when I grew up... I love music... logical choice. I changed majors for about the millionth time and began the journey of being a seriously committed musician. It was hard work, but I don't mind the challenge. I thrive on those challenges. While at SFA, I changed to general education with a minor in music and eventually contracted Bell's palsy. My boat rocked... not too badly but still it rocked. After graduation UT Tyler with a BSIS, I hadn't played in ages. I missed it but didn't see any opportunities. Then TCAWM happened and it became clear what God was asking. Play! Play for me! Play with JOY! Joy emanates from my soul when I play. Certain songs aren't the same when I sing them. "Beautiful" "How Great is Our God" "I Will Rise" just to name a few. Singing these songs is nice... Playing them is incredible. I've been blessed to be a part of the praise band through changes and reworking and everything always turns out to be incredible. I was able to play at my dad's funeral. Amazing ministry opportunities. Change is coming. Unlike the teaching change, I don't want to be receptive. I don't want to but whether or not the change is coming. A few weeks ago I was asked about singing in a praise choir. Without hesitation I said sure. My head caught up with my heart and I had to qualify that sure. I like to sing and I happen to do a good job, but my heart truly lies in playing. My steadily rocking boat was about to capsize. I vocalized my reservations and all too quickly was informed that my priority will become singing. WHY?!?!?  My response "Yes sir." Plaster on the smile make it to private surroundings then and only then may the tears fall. Don't let them see you hurt. It's all okay. That facade is tough to maintain for very long. My resolve to hold it together is quickly crumbling. My questions... Was I don't something wrong? Am I not good enough? Why is something being taken away that I love and being replaced with something that I only happen to do well? I don’t understand it at all. My mind can't comprehend this change. Perhaps I don't have the correct perspective. I'm too close. Emotions are too raw. This need time to marinate and absorb. I'd love to believe that this will be a quick process. Change requires time and pressure. The strength of the pressure may determine the length of time. It could be a proportional relationship. However it goes back to my original statement. Change is inevitable. 

     Proverbs 1:7 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction." Knowledge brings about change. Foolish people look at that knowledge and run from its acquisition. Am I ready for knowledge? I believe so. Therefore I've got to endure some growing pains. I don't want to hurt. I'll do most anything to avoid it. Most normal people would do the same. I’m not really resistant to this bout of growing pains, but I have a sense of hesitancy mixed with expectation. I look forward to where this newly illuminated section of the path on my journey will lead, but I'm not sure I'm ready to take the first step. I'm certain of just one thing. Whether or not I take the step down this path the growing pains are going to come. It's going to hurt no doubt about it. However remaining stationary isn't going to make the pain easier to take. In fact remaining stationary will most likely increase the intensity and duration of the pain. Don't get me wrong. I'd like to sit down and pitch a good old fashioned screaming hollering fit. At this point in time it only feels like it would be a waste of precious time and energy. It isn't going to change the eventual outcome. Acting out in rebellion isn’t going to make a difference. I’m still going to have to make these changes. The attitude of my heart determines the outcome of the changes. If I am accepting and open to the changes, the transition will be easy. If I choose to rebel, I open myself up to a plethora of consequences that I am certain I don’t want to deal with. Obedience brings blessings. It’s a fairly simple choice when looking at it in those terms. Blessings versus discipline and correction, growth versus stagnation… It’s a lot clearer when put in those terms or at least it is for me.

Change is coming… the question is will I be ready?

Until next time,

~Melody~