Can you remember exactly what you were doing on this day four years ago? I assure you with all that is in me that I can remember more than just what I was doing this very day four years ago, I can remember the sights and the sounds and the smells and the way arms felt that wrapped around me tightly, I can remember a lot of things about that day. Things that I wish at times weren't a part of my memories, weren't a part of my past, but wishing them away is by no means going to change the reality of the situation. Let me see if I can in some way get the scene set up for you...

Church sanctuary, brownish carpet on the walls, floor and stage, chairs linked together forming rows in four sections, a display of family photographs at the front of the sanctuary along with some flowers and other decorations, a full praise band set up on the stage, and a few people milling about the room. The mood is quiet and reserved. There is a bit of sadness noted in the room, but for the most part people seem to be trying to keep everything in check. Someone turns on some quiet praise and worship music that seems to keep the atmosphere from becoming too much like what it normally would be for a funeral.

This was no ordinary funeral service. Not by any means. It was more of a celebration of life than a depressing look back at a life lost to one thing or another. Everything from the music choices to the messages presented by two godly men was thought out and put together by a man that I have loved my entire life. Oh yes, I remember much about that day. The scathing glances from some people who had no understanding about why on this earth I was even considering playing flute with the praise band. (I played because he asked me to do so) I remember the harsh words, the negative interactions because of my choices, but more than that I remember the love of caring friends who hadn't walked through this life experience yet but still tried to understand in some small way what I must be thinking or feeling.

Four years have passed since that day. The pain is still very real some days, and with the approaching wedding, it seems to be appearing more and more. I miss my father incredibly. I miss the sound of his laughter, the sound of his voice, his prayers, his hugs, his advice, his somewhat comical looks of disapproval when he thought I was being just a little too silly, "Hey Boy", and talking with him about mission trips and plans for the future. I miss him, but wouldn't want him here with me suffering as he was waiting on that new heart. God answered and gave him the heart he needed, just not it the way I envisioned it going.  God's ways and plans aren't mine, and if I am being just totally honest, well that kind of stinks some times. His plans are for my good.

Four years ago, a little piece of me was lost. Slowly but surely those lost pieces are coming back together in a way that could only be orchestrated by God himself. One thing I am most certain about is that had my daddy gotten the heart here on Earth, he would have been in Africa before I was, and he would have met Jim Cooper. The more I get to know Jim Cooper, the more I am convinced that David was indeed correct. My daddy would have picked him out for me to be my husband. Daddy would have loved Jim. He would have loved his missionary's heart. He would have loved his sense of sarcasm and humor. He just would have loved him. It makes my heart just a bit happier thinking about how much they would have gotten along had they met this side of heaven.

So while my heart is a bit sad today and my eyes are a bit misty, I can't help but smile at the memories new and old that are shaping the woman I have become and have yet to learn to be. Today is the day that we had a celebration of life four years ago, and I am glad to still be celebrating his life today.

Fund Raising Tracker

I decided that a little visual aid in tracking fund raising would be a good idea.



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thermometers
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Blessings of Immeasurable Worth

I'm no stranger to the saying that blessings come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and usually when you least expect them. I've witnessed it happening at several pivotal moments in my life. I must say though that these last two weeks have been full of nothing short of trials and tests and ultimately the revealing of the loving hands of a Father that desires to shower His children with His richest blessings.

I believe some of the richest blessings are in the people that you come in contact with throughout the course of your life. Some of them are there to refine you. Some are there to strengthen and sharpen you. Others are there to shape and mold. And a precious group of them are there to become more like your family.

Recently I've been introduced to a group of people that make you feel as though you are a part of a family. I had often heard the pledge drive on the radio and thought to myself that I really should make the time to go volunteer, but it always seemed like there was something blocking my schedule from participating. This year I decided that it was going to be different and I was going to be a part of it no matter what. Through the training course, I distinctly heard God telling me that this was exactly where He wanted me to be. Furthermore, I had a story to share. For those who don't know me well, you should know that I keep a lot of things to myself and rarely share them with people I don't know. It's one of those deep rooted protection mechanisms that I have a hard time relinquishing control. There was something different about this group. There was a feeling of safety there. So after learning where to submit my story, I wrote out the brief version and sent it in. No big deal, and really not a second thought about this act of obedience.

About a week later, I arrived for my first volunteer shift. It was an absolutely incredible atmosphere to be in, almost overwhelming at first. Shortly after arriving, I found the sweet lady responsible for sending out the birthday cards for the station and knew I needed to express my thanks in person. In doing so, I had an opportunity to share a bit about the two heart testimony I had written about. I went back to my chair and took a couple of calls before supper arrived. Before long, I had another opportunity to share my story and found out that my story was on the station website... I was shocked to say the least. I knew an opportunity to share this part of my testimony was coming but I had no idea that it was going to be in this manner.

This experience has introduced me to a group of people that I absolutely consider to be a part of that special group I call my "family of friends." They are all special to me. It is not very often that you find a group of people that greet you warmly, no matter where you see them, like this group. I know that this experience was just another way of Father God reaching down and hugging me with human arms. They are a blessing of immeasurable worth to me... Their names? I hope I get them all... Carrie, Mike, Jennifer, Jeff, Kevin, Chad, Troy, Margie, Jill, and Anna... Plus countless others from the "phone zone." It's an experience I will not soon forget.
How has God blessed you today?

Are you living full or empty?

"Are you going to live full or empty?"
Quite a question to ask of anyone. I propose that the answer to this question is that we should do both. That's impossible you might be tempted to say. You can't live both full and empty. Allow me to take you on a journey through this point of view.

Are you going to live full? We can be full of many things. Full of love, full of life, full of ideas, full of hate, full of ____ you fill in the blank. It is a list with endless possibilities. Being full of something always requires you to be empty of other things. You can't be full of love and hate at the same time. You can't be full of compassion and selfishness. You choose what you will be filled with.

My question is this... What are you being filled with that is taking up the space that God wants for himself? This requires a long hard look into the deepest recesses of your heart and a true examination of its motives. Admittedly this is not an easy examination. It reveals shortcomings and no one wants to admit that they have them.

I want to live my life full and empty. I want to be full of the things that bring God glory. I want to be full of love, kindness, patience, gentleness, and all of the rest of the fruits of the Spirit. I want to be full of joy... That's a choice and will be a future post... I want to be full of compassion for others. All of these require one thing. A choice to turn my back on the negative things that try to take their place. It's not an easy path to walk. It takes willing obedience.

Today's the day to choose! Are you going to live full or empty?

Growing Pains

     Change is inevitable. I myself am a creature of habit. I like to be scheduled and absolutely know what is happening moment to moment. Being off schedule bothers me. I know if you looked in my classroom or inside my brain you wouldn't see any way for that to be the case... Her? Scheduled?!? Yeah Right!!! Scattered, disorganized ... A mess would be more like it. I like to know what I'm doing and thrive on that knowledge. Blindly following a path isn't my typical go to plan. When someone steps in and tries to change even the most minute of aspects, my first instinct is to dig I'm my heels and hold on with all my strength.

     I honestly believed that I had my role in this body of believers figured out. I'm a teacher by nature. It seems to come from my very core. I don't plan it. It just happens. My thoughts turn to a project to highlight a concept or a story. My mind often wanders coming up with a different way to instruct or teach... It's my second nature. I'd committed to teaching another year of Sunday school without reservation. Again, it's second nature. My world rocked slightly as I found out that it wasn't to be that way. Being a Sunday school member isn't new... It's going to be a change because that certainly isn't an environment that I flourish in. I tend to sit back quietly and take in the conversation of the room rather than offering my opinion or insight for fear of being ridiculed or said to be wrong... either to my face or behind my back. Probably irrational but real to me nonetheless. I'm okay with sitting back and listening. It takes a while for my mind to process things sometimes especially when I decide to go chasing rabbits with a random thought... I have a feeling that whichever class I end up attending this won't necessarily be the case. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose behind this change is... teaching is one of those things that causes joy to emanate from my soul. I'm not entirely sure why even though I love it, it feels as though an entirely too heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders and transferred to someone's who are much more broad and capable. I LOVE to teach... what about that became a burden? What causes the switch from emanating joy to burdensome task? Was it my heart motive? Was it my time to move on? I don't have all of the answers to these questions. All I want is to understand this change and what the end result is going to be... I get that I'm not ready to handle all of that information just yet. I still have the desire to know what is going on. I guess that just goes back to the original part of my nature that I talked about earlier.

     Just when I thought my boat was steadying from the waves another surge appeared on the horizon. Was I prepared? Absolutely NOT!!!! In fact at this time I can honestly say that I was completely blind sided... I suppose this part needs a bit of background information. My name is Melody Ann. It means "Song" "Grace-Favor". It seems like from birth I've had a definite course to be a musician of some sort. In school, I was an average musician. I sat in the middle of the section and always strived to be better. I didn't exactly know what I wanted to be when I grew up... I love music... logical choice. I changed majors for about the millionth time and began the journey of being a seriously committed musician. It was hard work, but I don't mind the challenge. I thrive on those challenges. While at SFA, I changed to general education with a minor in music and eventually contracted Bell's palsy. My boat rocked... not too badly but still it rocked. After graduation UT Tyler with a BSIS, I hadn't played in ages. I missed it but didn't see any opportunities. Then TCAWM happened and it became clear what God was asking. Play! Play for me! Play with JOY! Joy emanates from my soul when I play. Certain songs aren't the same when I sing them. "Beautiful" "How Great is Our God" "I Will Rise" just to name a few. Singing these songs is nice... Playing them is incredible. I've been blessed to be a part of the praise band through changes and reworking and everything always turns out to be incredible. I was able to play at my dad's funeral. Amazing ministry opportunities. Change is coming. Unlike the teaching change, I don't want to be receptive. I don't want to but whether or not the change is coming. A few weeks ago I was asked about singing in a praise choir. Without hesitation I said sure. My head caught up with my heart and I had to qualify that sure. I like to sing and I happen to do a good job, but my heart truly lies in playing. My steadily rocking boat was about to capsize. I vocalized my reservations and all too quickly was informed that my priority will become singing. WHY?!?!?  My response "Yes sir." Plaster on the smile make it to private surroundings then and only then may the tears fall. Don't let them see you hurt. It's all okay. That facade is tough to maintain for very long. My resolve to hold it together is quickly crumbling. My questions... Was I don't something wrong? Am I not good enough? Why is something being taken away that I love and being replaced with something that I only happen to do well? I don’t understand it at all. My mind can't comprehend this change. Perhaps I don't have the correct perspective. I'm too close. Emotions are too raw. This need time to marinate and absorb. I'd love to believe that this will be a quick process. Change requires time and pressure. The strength of the pressure may determine the length of time. It could be a proportional relationship. However it goes back to my original statement. Change is inevitable. 

     Proverbs 1:7 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction." Knowledge brings about change. Foolish people look at that knowledge and run from its acquisition. Am I ready for knowledge? I believe so. Therefore I've got to endure some growing pains. I don't want to hurt. I'll do most anything to avoid it. Most normal people would do the same. I’m not really resistant to this bout of growing pains, but I have a sense of hesitancy mixed with expectation. I look forward to where this newly illuminated section of the path on my journey will lead, but I'm not sure I'm ready to take the first step. I'm certain of just one thing. Whether or not I take the step down this path the growing pains are going to come. It's going to hurt no doubt about it. However remaining stationary isn't going to make the pain easier to take. In fact remaining stationary will most likely increase the intensity and duration of the pain. Don't get me wrong. I'd like to sit down and pitch a good old fashioned screaming hollering fit. At this point in time it only feels like it would be a waste of precious time and energy. It isn't going to change the eventual outcome. Acting out in rebellion isn’t going to make a difference. I’m still going to have to make these changes. The attitude of my heart determines the outcome of the changes. If I am accepting and open to the changes, the transition will be easy. If I choose to rebel, I open myself up to a plethora of consequences that I am certain I don’t want to deal with. Obedience brings blessings. It’s a fairly simple choice when looking at it in those terms. Blessings versus discipline and correction, growth versus stagnation… It’s a lot clearer when put in those terms or at least it is for me.

Change is coming… the question is will I be ready?

Until next time,

~Melody~

Perspective

I drove by a church recently and was struck by the message on the sign in front of the building. It read "God can change your life". I've driven by this sign several times since I first saw it and every time I am hit with the same reaction. I believe the word choice is incorrect.

I suppose it's all a matter of the perspective you use to evaluate things with. On the surface the message of the sign is true. God is absolutely in the business of changing lives. I propose though that it is not a matter of whether of not He is able to change your life. There is no question about the power that God holds that will forever change your life. The point is God will change your life. There is no question about that fact. The question comes in whether or not you will allow that change to happen.

God has given us a free will. We have the choice to either respond to God or to reject him. The fact of the matter is that we have done absolutely nothing to deserve to have this choice. The truth of it all is that we are loved beyond belief by God who chose to send his son to earth to be born of a virgin, live a sinless life, be tried and found guilty of crimes he did not commit, and then sent to die on a cross bearing the wrath of God for all of our sins-- past, present, and future. That kind of love is hard to comprehend at times. It doesn't make sense that someone loves me in spite of all of the things I do that grieve His heart. That's what makes His love different. It was a choice on His part to give His son. It's a choice on our part to accept that gift freely. The consequences for rejection.... Far more steep than anything I would want to pay.

I say all of this to tell you one thing. Choose wisely. Choose carefully. Radical change will happen when you allow God to have control over your life. You will be able to do things you never imagined because they aren't being done in your strength or power. Take time and just look back and marvel at the things that God has done and watch expectantly for what is coming in the future. You won't be disappointed!

Heart's Desires

How often do you hear someone say I want this or that with all my heart? I wish for ----... There are millions of things that could go in that blank. We wish we were skinnier, prettier, richer... And the list goes on endlessly.

I am no different. I could fill that blank in with endless things. However if you really took time to examine that list how many of them are on that list for purely selfish reasons? I would be lying if I said there were no things in my list that aren't selfish. I want more time with my mom and dad-- just because I want to remember what their voices sound like and to feel them give me a hug again. There is nothing to be gained from this desire... Except to possibly bring a tear or two to my eyes and what benefit does that have truly?
In recent months, weeks, days, and even hours I find myself pondering on a lone thought. What are the deepest desires of my heart?

I can say without a doubt the two deepest desires of my heart are to get married and to learn the location where God has for me to be on the mission field. In looking at these desires I am forced to question myself... What is the motive in my heart behind these? If it is all about self and serving my wants then the likelihood of God allowing the blessing of those desires to happen is slim. If the intent of my heart is to serve, praise, and honor God then I truly believe that He will give me above and beyond anything my heart could desire. In saying that it is also about waiting for the right timing. Rushing God's timing is about as useful as trying to stop a ship from sinking using a teaspoon. It won't work. It only leads to frustration and anger.

So what's the solution? For me, for now, all I know is that I have to do everything I can to gather the knowledge that is waiting for me to glean from those people around me. I believe that there are things God is teaching and changing about me that would not have been as easy to accomplish if I was married. I have learned a lot about what I do and don't want out of a relationship. I've seen things that I want to remember to do when I am finally married. God has shown me things about that glorious day. I choose to keep most of them to myself because for now they are secret surprises that will be revealed when the time comes. For now I am filing things away that I'm learning and getting myself ready for that day when I meet the man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I can only control me and my life. My future husband is in God's hands and when we are both ready that's when things will fall into place. I've seen it happen with my own eyes... My prince is yet to come, but when he does... I want to be ready!